From the halls of Montezuma...

My whole life is filled with shameful experiences. I look back on nothing with pride. I have made hundreds of choices that were wrong wrong wrong. I am even making a bad choice as I write this- just by writing this. I have read over my first week of blogs with obsessive frequency. I embarrass myself.
Story:

My friend "Mary" just graduated from the Marine Corps boot camp. She has been home since Christmas and has been doing recruiters assistance work until she starts her MCT training next week.
She has been having trouble finding recruits to bring in to talk to her staff sergeant so she asked me if I would come in. I agreed, not really taking it too seriously (maybe because my friend asked me after she scouted out a local strip club and couldn't find any takers). I went in on Saturday and talked to a recruiter. Afterwards, I thought Maybe I have what it takes to become a Marine.I really did. I even went to another recruiters office today to get more info. And I have been spending a silly amount of time on military.com.
So, I mentioned it to my dad that day and he flipped out and basically told me I was too lazy and sensitive and that I am the "most liberal, hippie, pacifist" he knows. Oh and he also said "You are almost 30 years old, why would you think that you would go to college now, just because you joined the Marines?"
Oh, and he also had quite the laugh whilst impersonating a drill instructor shouting "Run, fat girl, run!"
First of all, I'm 25.
Second of all, this is why I never got that "I Heart My Daddy" tattoo.
Hmmmmm. Where do I sign up?
No, really. I have thought about it a lot. Trying to weigh the pros and cons.
Pro: Sexy uniforms.
Con: Iraq
Pro: Confidence & Pride
Con: George W. Bush
Pro: Serving my country
Con: Scary drill instructors
Pro: Respect, being apart of an elite group of warriors
Con: Killing people
Pro: $50,00 towards college (while in active duty)
Con: Fear of failure
Pro: I have to say, being a female Marine is really bad ass.
Con: Dying?
Pro: I get to say Oorah
Con: Don't ask, don't tell
Pro: Getting to refer to everyone as "civilians"

Okay, so I was kind of forgetting one big con. It's not really a con actually. It is more of a hurdle. A gigantic hurdle. A hurdle so large that I will probably not be able to jump it.
My past.
My past is littered with depression, starting from a very young age (possibly as young as 5 or 6). It is applicable to this entry because it was recorded and diagnosed starting at age 14. I won't get into too many details but basically I have done the whole Tour de Psychological Services. Many times, many medicines and many diagnoses over. Currently I have not been treated by counseling or medicine in over three years. But I do suffer from bouts of depression still. In the civilian world I am common, especially nowadays when everyone is on some form of antidepressant or anti anxiety medication (I was totally diagnosed and medicated way before it was considered cool wink). In the Marine corp I am considered a liability, a safety hazard if you will.
So, by recorded and diagnosed I mean, this will most likely DQ me from joining the Marines.
Oops, silly me. I must have forgotten about that, like, the last 11 years of my life...

Okay, I didn't forget. This is something I brought up to Mary many times.
"Mary, I am officially crazy according to the military. I'll never get in."
"Lie. Just lie. I did. I was in drug counseling for crystal meth and I never told my recruiter."
She told me about how her fellow recruits at boot camp would talk about the things they lied about to get in.
"I totally have asthma."
"Me, too!"
"I have myocardiopalpaphragiotendonitis."
"Me, too!"
"I have abnormally large areolas"
"Me, too!"

I considered lying. At first it didn't seem like a big deal. They'll never know. How could they judge me based on a lifetime history of mental instability?
Honor. Courage. Commitment.
I can't.

As I stated in my first sentence, my whole life is filled with shameful experiences. Some of these experiences I could not control because I was a child. Others were choices I made as an adult. An adult with a shaky foundation. I have held onto those experiences so tightly it makes my insides bleed. I have still not forgiven myself for... well, for everything.
I won't compromise my integrity ever again.
Not to belong.
Not to be loved.

So, maybe the Marine Corps isn't for me. Maybe it never was. Maybe I romanticized it in my head. Maybe I do have what it takes. I may never know.
Until my next lifetime, I will fantasize about being the best fucking Marine that ever was.
A girl can dream, can't she?

Semper fi.