The Queerest of the Queer

From a very early age I was aware of homosexuality. And I was also aware that a lot of people found gays to be pretty awful. I attended a Catholic school, so obviously tolerance is not a virtue in that environment. (I'd argue that real love is not a virtue in that church either) I don't recall any open talk about gays in my family. My only memory is when I was about 8 or 9. One of my cousins had gotten The Game of Life for Christmas. You know, the game where you choose a pink or blue peg to stick into your little plastic car so you can race thru life full speed ahead? Early on in the game you're lucky little pink or blue peg gets married. So pink chooses blue and blue chooses pink, right? Well, my dad was playing the game with me and my cousins and my dad picked a BLUE PEG. We all thought it was hi-lari-ious. But my grandpa saw this and became fuming mad and made my dad replace his blue peg with a pink peg. I remember feeling ashamed, but not understanding what the big deal was. The game was kinda ruined after that.

I love my grandpa (my pappy) dearly. He was a sweet man. He would do anything for anybody. So how could something as silly as a little blue peg incite such anger in an otherwise even-tempered, happy-go-lucky man?
I remember being afraid that I was gay myself. I had crushes on other girls, but also on boys so it was very confusing (bisexuality was a concept beyond me at that point). It was all very dramatic in my adolescent world. "Oh hark, my forbidden love, what a tragedy is thee!" I spent the summer before 7th grade watching a lot of soap operas. I think it was All My Children but I could be wrong, where Ryan Phillipe play a gay teenager struggling to come out of the closet. I remember feeling a connection with that character and the heartache he had to go through (fyi: that was the last time I ever followed a storyline on a soap opera, so dont go thinking that is something I made a habit of!). I remember my first sexual dream involved Naomi Campbell (thanks a lot George Michael video). That cracks me up now, because I would never take my clothes off around a supermodel in real life.
The gay world has always been very close to my heart even as a kid. I knew people hated gays. And I knew defending them was putting myself out there, risking a lot for a kid in junior high, by defending homosexuality. But I couldn't help it. I feel that it was inborn in me. It was as natural as turning to vegetarianism as soon as I understood where meat came from. I remember arguing, almost to the point of tears, with a priest infront of my entire 8th grade classroom when he told us "a man lying with another man" was unnatural. I believe I scared the shit out of him.
I proceeded on to an all-girls Catholic high school. I was lucky enough to find a group of lesbos to hang around. Well, most everyone called themselves "bi" , I guess because it was safer. We watched a lot of Rocky Horror and listened to A LOT of Ani DiFranco. My relationship to the queer world did not come without pain. I remember getting so worked up in spring of '97, when Ellen's coming out episode was aired. For some reason we got on the subject of it in my French class. These two girls said "They shouldn't put that stuff on t.v. where children can see it". I gave them a tongue lashing (pun intended) and when class was over I was trembling. It seemed that for ever step forward, there was two steps back.
I believe this was also around the time of "National Coming Out Day", so here is my coming out story (age 16): One day, I was at work and crying because I was gay and afraid to tell my mom. My mom had to come pick me up from work. (looking back, I may have just used that as an excuse to get out of work) On the car ride home I told her I was gay and she responded "I don't care, I just want grandchildren."
Another friend of mine did not have a positive reaction from her parents. When her girlfriend sent her flowers, her father pissed on them. She had to "keep it hidden" well into her adult years. It must be scary when you're parents hate you -or even a part of you -because of who you love. Because even if it's just a part of you - it's still all of you. Because who you love is who you are. I was very lucky in that aspect of my life. I was never ashamed after that point. I sported a rainbow flag on my bookbag. I didn't whisper about gayness, even though I was told "Shhhhhhh!" by my friend when were around "mixed company" (as in her parents or everyone else that might not approve of the homo's).
My life has been extremely gay life in all ways (that is "homo-gay", "happy-gay" and the most recent popular definition "lame-gay") I have a million gay stories. I could tell you all of them if I had the time. I could tell you hilarious stories, bizarre stories and extremely sad stories about gays. I could quote you some Margarent Cho till the cows come home. I could even lip-sync you a mean version of "Come To My Window". But those things do not simply fall into a category of "gayness", they are intergrated into my whole life.
I could also tell you that all the significant romantic relationships in my life have been with men but that I remain queer in my heart. Not because I want to screw everyone. It's not about sexuality at all, really. It's about feeling the pain of those who are treated as second class citizens. It's about seeing a million heterosexual couples make a mockery out of marriage yet feel they have the right to tell others who they can and can not marry. It's about people using "the word of god" to judge others and force their religion into the law and down our throats. It's for every gay child that was made to feel ashamed. It's for every little boy that was told he couldn't play with dolls or wear make-up. For every little girl that just wanted to wear some Birkinstocks and khaki shorts but was forced to wear some stupid dress. It's for every teenager that has been taken to a therapist to "fix" their homosexuality. It's for the pope who told us , just a little over a decade ago, that it is "okay to love your gay children". Fuck you. It's for every hypocrite that is anti-gay and is found in a restroom with their pants around their ankles trying to get some gay sex. It's for everyone that gets "sick to their stomach" at the thought of queers. It's for all the men that are told to "man-up" and "stop being a faggot". It's for all the queer people that have been attacked, beat up, and murdered because of who they love. There is too much fear and not enough love in this world. That is why I feel queer in my heart.