Let's exchange the experience

What else is there to do but watch old Kate Bush videos on YouTube when you don't have a job?
There is nothing else I would rather be doing but I am sure there are more "productive" things like, I dunno, looking for a new job.  
I'm just not ready yet.  And I think that if I learn the dance in the Wurthering Heights video that maybe it will inspire me to follow a new path.  Because fuck all knows that I don't know where to go next.

Things I have done today that help to maintain the truth in the title of this blog:
1)Forced myself to sleep until 1:30pm
2)ate some generic fruitloops and toast.
3)checked my Facebook at least 5 times
4)watched the video for Wurthering Heights at least 7 times, not including other Kate Bush videos.
5)dreamed of having something really interesting to say, and having people start reading this blog and getting comments!!
6)started this list

Do I feel sorry for myself?  I suppose so.  I can't help it.  I feel like I have a good heart and good intentions and I can be funny sometimes.  I just want some kind of direction.  I need a fucking yellow brick road.
I need a friend.  I need a goddamn bosom friend.  The Anne Shirley kind.  I miss having desperate female friendships.  The kind with ridiculous inside jokes and embarassing pasts.  I haven't been able to maintain a friendship.  I have people that I could call up if I really wanted to but after months of not talking and different livestyles-- friends that now have babies and husbands and houses and college degrees.  It's just hard to know where to start with these friends.
 
I don't know anyone that has had the kind of debilitating depression that I have had over the years.  I forget sometimes that I have depression.  It seems so unreal.  So many years wasted. 

Last night my boyfriend told me I needed to get more help for my depression.  He said I am not acting like myself.  And that made me laugh because this is how I have always been.  I have almost 20 years worth of journals to prove it.  But I don't write so much anymore because life isn't suprising anymore.  It has been the same dull cycle.  I HAVE gotten help.  Medication, therapy, hospitalization.  I've tried cleanses, yoga, replacement thoughts.  I would have joined a cult if I thought it would help. 
It always seems that I catch a glance at myself in a reflective surface and I see how ugly I am.  I don't really know if I am truly as unattractive as I see it or if it's just some sort of low self-esteem manifestation.

It's this fight against myself that causes the most pain.  I want to change who I am.  I want to make my sensitive skin tough.  I want to make my awkwardness cool.  I want to take this soft body and turn it into an athelete's body.  I don't want to be me.  I want to be Kate Bush.