Let's exchange the experience

What else is there to do but watch old Kate Bush videos on YouTube when you don't have a job?
There is nothing else I would rather be doing but I am sure there are more "productive" things like, I dunno, looking for a new job.  
I'm just not ready yet.  And I think that if I learn the dance in the Wurthering Heights video that maybe it will inspire me to follow a new path.  Because fuck all knows that I don't know where to go next.

Things I have done today that help to maintain the truth in the title of this blog:
1)Forced myself to sleep until 1:30pm
2)ate some generic fruitloops and toast.
3)checked my Facebook at least 5 times
4)watched the video for Wurthering Heights at least 7 times, not including other Kate Bush videos.
5)dreamed of having something really interesting to say, and having people start reading this blog and getting comments!!
6)started this list

Do I feel sorry for myself?  I suppose so.  I can't help it.  I feel like I have a good heart and good intentions and I can be funny sometimes.  I just want some kind of direction.  I need a fucking yellow brick road.
I need a friend.  I need a goddamn bosom friend.  The Anne Shirley kind.  I miss having desperate female friendships.  The kind with ridiculous inside jokes and embarassing pasts.  I haven't been able to maintain a friendship.  I have people that I could call up if I really wanted to but after months of not talking and different livestyles-- friends that now have babies and husbands and houses and college degrees.  It's just hard to know where to start with these friends.
 
I don't know anyone that has had the kind of debilitating depression that I have had over the years.  I forget sometimes that I have depression.  It seems so unreal.  So many years wasted. 

Last night my boyfriend told me I needed to get more help for my depression.  He said I am not acting like myself.  And that made me laugh because this is how I have always been.  I have almost 20 years worth of journals to prove it.  But I don't write so much anymore because life isn't suprising anymore.  It has been the same dull cycle.  I HAVE gotten help.  Medication, therapy, hospitalization.  I've tried cleanses, yoga, replacement thoughts.  I would have joined a cult if I thought it would help. 
It always seems that I catch a glance at myself in a reflective surface and I see how ugly I am.  I don't really know if I am truly as unattractive as I see it or if it's just some sort of low self-esteem manifestation.

It's this fight against myself that causes the most pain.  I want to change who I am.  I want to make my sensitive skin tough.  I want to make my awkwardness cool.  I want to take this soft body and turn it into an athelete's body.  I don't want to be me.  I want to be Kate Bush. 
  

Kate Bush Wuthering Heights.

K.ATE BUSH RUNNING UP THAT HILL

St. Vincent - "Marrow"

another really bad poem or whatever

I quit my job today.  No one begged me to stay.
As soon as I hung up the phone, I knew I was on my own and it felt great.

I went for a walk today.  The fireflies seemed so far away.
As soon as I walked by, they seemed to want to hide from me.

I came home alone today.  It's Friday and I feel lame.
As soon as I came through the door, I knew tonight would be a bore.

things are the same

here in O-HI-O.

I can feel the desperation ache harder than ever tho

I'm older, life is stronger than me.  Fo sho.

How can I expect to win against the wind. No.

things are the same here in O-HI-O.

So?

for LeAnn

The Queerest of the Queer

From a very early age I was aware of homosexuality. And I was also aware that a lot of people found gays to be pretty awful. I attended a Catholic school, so obviously tolerance is not a virtue in that environment. (I'd argue that real love is not a virtue in that church either) I don't recall any open talk about gays in my family. My only memory is when I was about 8 or 9. One of my cousins had gotten The Game of Life for Christmas. You know, the game where you choose a pink or blue peg to stick into your little plastic car so you can race thru life full speed ahead? Early on in the game you're lucky little pink or blue peg gets married. So pink chooses blue and blue chooses pink, right? Well, my dad was playing the game with me and my cousins and my dad picked a BLUE PEG. We all thought it was hi-lari-ious. But my grandpa saw this and became fuming mad and made my dad replace his blue peg with a pink peg. I remember feeling ashamed, but not understanding what the big deal was. The game was kinda ruined after that.