What else is there to do but watch old Kate Bush videos on YouTube when you don't have a job?
There is nothing else I would rather be doing but I am sure there are more "productive" things like, I dunno, looking for a new job.
I'm just not ready yet. And I think that if I learn the dance in the Wurthering Heights video that maybe it will inspire me to follow a new path. Because fuck all knows that I don't know where to go next.
Things I have done today that help to maintain the truth in the title of this blog:
1)Forced myself to sleep until 1:30pm
2)ate some generic fruitloops and toast.
3)checked my Facebook at least 5 times
4)watched the video for Wurthering Heights at least 7 times, not including other Kate Bush videos.
5)dreamed of having something really interesting to say, and having people start reading this blog and getting comments!!
6)started this list
Do I feel sorry for myself? I suppose so. I can't help it. I feel like I have a good heart and good intentions and I can be funny sometimes. I just want some kind of direction. I need a fucking yellow brick road.
I need a friend. I need a goddamn bosom friend. The Anne Shirley kind. I miss having desperate female friendships. The kind with ridiculous inside jokes and embarassing pasts. I haven't been able to maintain a friendship. I have people that I could call up if I really wanted to but after months of not talking and different livestyles-- friends that now have babies and husbands and houses and college degrees. It's just hard to know where to start with these friends.
I don't know anyone that has had the kind of debilitating depression that I have had over the years. I forget sometimes that I have depression. It seems so unreal. So many years wasted.
Last night my boyfriend told me I needed to get more help for my depression. He said I am not acting like myself. And that made me laugh because this is how I have always been. I have almost 20 years worth of journals to prove it. But I don't write so much anymore because life isn't suprising anymore. It has been the same dull cycle. I HAVE gotten help. Medication, therapy, hospitalization. I've tried cleanses, yoga, replacement thoughts. I would have joined a cult if I thought it would help.
It always seems that I catch a glance at myself in a reflective surface and I see how ugly I am. I don't really know if I am truly as unattractive as I see it or if it's just some sort of low self-esteem manifestation.
It's this fight against myself that causes the most pain. I want to change who I am. I want to make my sensitive skin tough. I want to make my awkwardness cool. I want to take this soft body and turn it into an athelete's body. I don't want to be me. I want to be Kate Bush.
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