This instant message was written about a year ago when I was in the beginning stages of my divorce. Things are a little fuzzy from that time, but one of the things that kept me going was my obsession with Jake Gyllenhaal. At that time in my life it was not uncommon for me to start up random conversations with my customers at the coffee shop about my amazing Jakey-poo. A few friends and coworkers had to tell me to shut the fuck up a few times, to which I went on and on, unfazed. My love was real.
At the height of my mania this conversation took place. Names have been changed to protect the innocent but other than that the following IM is verbatim.
I am proud to report that I am over my crush and I can now look Jake in the eyes and feel nothing. 7 months and counting. Everyday gets a little easier.
Marciel: maybe jake will be in boston when i go there, its close to NYC hmmm i must loose about 50lbs by then
Buttface: ha ha
Buttface: maybe he wont care about things like that
Marciel: maybe not
Marciel: well of course he does, look at him
Marciel: he wont settle
Buttface: for gods sakes he is with someone from WB that is the hollywood equvialant to west virginia
Marciel: im looking at him right now, i can look at him all the time now that hes on my desktop
Buttface: nice
Marciel: but i am west virgnia
Marciel: well close enough, ohio
Buttface: not the same at all
Buttface: no more pity party today
Marciel: did i tell you ive had 2 dreams of him in the past week?
Buttface: no
Marciel: this is really sad
Marciel: well the first one
Marciel: i was on somekind of boat or yacht
Marciel: and he was there and i wanted to get a picture with him but i was afraid he would see how ugly i was up close, like my moustach and stuff so i didnt
Marciel: the second one i was at my grandmas house in the back room and it was GOOD
Marciel: we were like making out and stuff, and it was so real
Marciel: so he went outside to his tourbus to get condoms cuz we were gonna do it
Buttface: ha ha making out at your grandmas house ha ha
Marciel: i dont kow why he had a tourbus but he did ok
Buttface: tourbus? what is he in new kids on the block or soemthing?
Marciel: so i followed him out to the tourbus and he said he would meet me back in the room
Marciel: and when i went back he was like packing all his shit trying to run away from me! like trying to duck out on my horny ass! can you believe that shit??
Marciel: i get dissed even in my dreams
Buttface: oh no
Marciel: i know, sad righht
Buttface: i have dreams like that sometimes
Marciel: well, im hoping the dreams will get better progressively, like everytime hes in one of my dreams i will get closer and closer to him and then one day when i wake up he will be next to me in bed nuzzle in the nape of my neck
Marciel: hahah
Buttface: ha ha ha
Marciel: but i was thinking about him the other day
Marciel: like everyday
Marciel: and i think that when his hairline start to recede it will be over for him
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: probbaly
Buttface: i wonder if he will ever have surgery or other stars our age that are hot now? in twenty years will they look like farah fawcett or cher or will they just sag and wrinkle too?Marciel: he will be like george cloony
Marciel: http://people.aol.com/people/galleries/0,19884,1151290_1127388,00.html
Marciel: heres a hot and sexy jake link for you
Marciel: god, when did i get this lame?
Buttface: everyone loves someone famous
Buttface: i lovey ryan gosling and landon lueck and lancey ofcourse
Marciel: oh i dont know what else to say, it cuts like a knife
Marciel: hey wanna here something really lame
Buttface: yeah
Marciel: i looked up the lyrics to love is a battlefield today
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: thats awesome
Buttface: why on earth did you do that???
Buttface: ha ha
Marciel: and i sung a long with them a capella
Marciel: i was watching american idol and i was inspired
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: oh my god
Buttface: thats funny
Marciel: i mean i did it quietly you know
Buttface: but why?
Marciel: i dont know
Marciel: i have no good explanation
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: remember when your dr put on a beret when he talked to you
Buttface: god i love that story
Marciel: i dont remember why he did that, i vaguely remember it, do you?
Buttface: there was no reason why i guess
Buttface: he just put it on and kept on talking ha ha
Marciel: haha god i dont remember it much
Marciel: what color was it? raspberry?
Buttface: ha ha dont know
Marciel: you know, i thought about jake today
Marciel: and i came across this pic of him and his family
Marciel: and i thought to myself
Marciel: if i was his mom i think i woulf try and have sex with him
Buttface: was his sister covered in grease in the pic?
Buttface: thats sick
Buttface: thats not funny
Buttface: dont say that
Marciel: oh god im laughing so hard
Marciel: im crying
Buttface: ha ha
Buttface: thats not funny
Buttface: thats terrible
Marciel: i know it its terrible
Marciel: but i thought it
Marciel: i couldnt stop it
Marciel: oh god hahahahha
Buttface: how would you like if it someone said about you? like Marciel, if i were your dad i
Buttface: ha ha
Buttface: maybe he wont care about things like that
Marciel: maybe not
Marciel: well of course he does, look at him
Marciel: he wont settle
Buttface: for gods sakes he is with someone from WB that is the hollywood equvialant to west virginia
Marciel: im looking at him right now, i can look at him all the time now that hes on my desktop
Buttface: nice
Marciel: but i am west virgnia
Marciel: well close enough, ohio
Buttface: not the same at all
Buttface: no more pity party today
Marciel: did i tell you ive had 2 dreams of him in the past week?
Buttface: no
Marciel: this is really sad
Marciel: well the first one
Marciel: i was on somekind of boat or yacht
Marciel: and he was there and i wanted to get a picture with him but i was afraid he would see how ugly i was up close, like my moustach and stuff so i didnt
Marciel: the second one i was at my grandmas house in the back room and it was GOOD
Marciel: we were like making out and stuff, and it was so real
Marciel: so he went outside to his tourbus to get condoms cuz we were gonna do it
Buttface: ha ha making out at your grandmas house ha ha
Marciel: i dont kow why he had a tourbus but he did ok
Buttface: tourbus? what is he in new kids on the block or soemthing?
Marciel: so i followed him out to the tourbus and he said he would meet me back in the room
Marciel: and when i went back he was like packing all his shit trying to run away from me! like trying to duck out on my horny ass! can you believe that shit??
Marciel: i get dissed even in my dreams
Buttface: oh no
Marciel: i know, sad righht
Buttface: i have dreams like that sometimes
Marciel: well, im hoping the dreams will get better progressively, like everytime hes in one of my dreams i will get closer and closer to him and then one day when i wake up he will be next to me in bed nuzzle in the nape of my neck
Marciel: hahah
Buttface: ha ha ha
Marciel: but i was thinking about him the other day
Marciel: like everyday
Marciel: and i think that when his hairline start to recede it will be over for him
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: probbaly
Buttface: i wonder if he will ever have surgery or other stars our age that are hot now? in twenty years will they look like farah fawcett or cher or will they just sag and wrinkle too?Marciel: he will be like george cloony
Marciel: http://people.aol.com/people/galleries/0,19884,1151290_1127388,00.html
Marciel: heres a hot and sexy jake link for you
Marciel: god, when did i get this lame?
Buttface: everyone loves someone famous
Buttface: i lovey ryan gosling and landon lueck and lancey ofcourse
Marciel: oh i dont know what else to say, it cuts like a knife
Marciel: hey wanna here something really lame
Buttface: yeah
Marciel: i looked up the lyrics to love is a battlefield today
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: thats awesome
Buttface: why on earth did you do that???
Buttface: ha ha
Marciel: and i sung a long with them a capella
Marciel: i was watching american idol and i was inspired
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: oh my god
Buttface: thats funny
Marciel: i mean i did it quietly you know
Buttface: but why?
Marciel: i dont know
Marciel: i have no good explanation
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: remember when your dr put on a beret when he talked to you
Buttface: god i love that story
Marciel: i dont remember why he did that, i vaguely remember it, do you?
Buttface: there was no reason why i guess
Buttface: he just put it on and kept on talking ha ha
Marciel: haha god i dont remember it much
Marciel: what color was it? raspberry?
Buttface: ha ha dont know
Marciel: you know, i thought about jake today
Marciel: and i came across this pic of him and his family
Marciel: and i thought to myself
Marciel: if i was his mom i think i woulf try and have sex with him
Buttface: was his sister covered in grease in the pic?
Buttface: thats sick
Buttface: thats not funny
Buttface: dont say that
Marciel: oh god im laughing so hard
Marciel: im crying
Buttface: ha ha
Buttface: thats not funny
Buttface: thats terrible
Marciel: i know it its terrible
Marciel: but i thought it
Marciel: i couldnt stop it
Marciel: oh god hahahahha
Buttface: how would you like if it someone said about you? like Marciel, if i were your dad i
would try to have sex with you? thats so terrible
Marciel: i thought , just like a serial killer or rapist, he couldnt escape me then
Marciel: oh god im heaving with sick twisted evil cackling laughter
Marciel: i cant breath
Marciel: oh know now ive alienated you
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: not at all
Marciel: i mean, its not like a fantasy to have sex with my son but i doubt i will ever have a son that attractive, its not in my genes you know, i mean we dont know, maybe his mom did Buttface: ha ha ha ha ha
Buttface: his mom didnt do that come one ha ha
Marciel: im not saying she did but we can not verify that she didnt
Buttface: she didnt come on now
Buttface: dont you think if she did he would be crazy and be in an asylum???
Marciel: not necessarily
Marciel: people cope in different ways
Buttface: come on
Buttface: you are just trying to be outrageous did you really think of this today??? thats too funny
Marciel: yes i swear on everything
Buttface: what about his fugly sister have you made up any scenarios about her yet? Buttface: or the dad?
Buttface: or those dogs of his?
Marciel: well no
Marciel: i have a method to my mayhem
Marciel: with mom there is a trust and a bond you know
Buttface: oh god
Buttface: sick
Marciel: and hes always with older women in the movies... katherine keener, jennifer aniston
Buttface: true ok
Buttface: so what?
Buttface: they are not a relative of his
Buttface: and they are acting
Marciel: and he had chemistry with susan sarandon in a way
Buttface: but keep going
Marciel: well he is picking his movie roles because he cant escape his past subconsciously
Buttface: ha ha oh my god
Buttface: this so methodicly plotted out
Buttface: wow
Marciel: and then brokeback mountain , i mean yes i admit its off the beaten road but i mean, you can easily relate that like 7 degrees of kevin bacon,, lets see
Marciel: gay sex=cowboys = gay culture= liza minelli= judy garland= joan crawford=mommy dearest
Marciel: HELLO!!!???
Buttface: oh my god
Buttface: you are seriously fucked up ha ha ha oh my god i love it
Buttface: do more
Buttface: what about bubble boy???
Buttface: explain that movie then
Marciel: umm hello?? that is sooo obvious
Marciel: did you see his mother in the movie?
Marciel: played by swoosie kurtz
Marciel: very controlling, yet nurturing, didnt want him to leave the house blah blah
Buttface: ha ha ha
Marciel: total munchoisin sydrome by proxy
Buttface: thats crazy
Marciel: he wants a mommy he needs mommy come to mommy
Marciel: haaaaaaaaaa
Buttface: oh my my my
Buttface: thats funny
Buttface: do you think his sister is one fucked up ho or is it just me?
Buttface: i bet she is very jelous of her brother
Buttface: and she seems awfully evil and oily
Marciel: i think she escaped and she doing subversive female roles because of what the mom did to jake
Marciel: she didnt get abused she just witnessed it
Buttface: no way
Marciel: yeha
Buttface: thats fucked up
Marciel: well i mean i dont know what to say
Buttface: oh my god thats funny
Marciel: i have constructed a world that i am not necessarily proud of
Marciel: but i cant deny its existance
Buttface: i was laughing my ass off i wish you would make up more fucked up scenarios Marciel: give me time my dear friend give me time
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: what about the dad where is he?
Marciel: one thing i am thankful for is that jake did not end up with katie holmes
Marciel: i was nervous about that
Buttface: oh no shit
Marciel: i will get back to you on the father
Marciel: buty my sources say that
Marciel: he pawned jake off on his famous male friends while he focused more on maggie cuz he didnt know how to relate to jake. so jake learned how to be the perfect male lead that way i mean the sensitive look, those eyebrows
Marciel: this stuff does not come naturally
Marciel: it is very contrived and calculated
Marciel: and i must say, it has pierced my soul
Buttface: oh ha ha ha ha
Buttface: what famous male friends?
Marciel: well he grew up amoung the hollywood elite, jamie lee curits is like his godmother or some shit and we all know about the sex change she had
Marciel: and i believe it was clint eastwood that taught him to drive
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: do you think stars fucked him too?
Marciel: well of course
Marciel: god
Buttface: like who name names bitch
Marciel: he was draped in furs by jennifer tilly
Buttface: in your world or for real?
Marciel: john malcovithch
Marciel: well who to say my world isnt real
Buttface: i see
Marciel: jennifer liked him to lie on bearskin rugs and john liked to video tape it
Marciel: he has a weird seuxal history with animal skins
Marciel: like he only wears lamb skin condoms witch concerns me because they do not protect against the HIV virus
Buttface: john who?
Marciel: malcovich
Buttface: oh but ofcourse right
Marciel: i think the animal skin thing comes from the time his mother made him sit his bareass on a pigskin stool when he was bad
Marciel: naughty i mean
Buttface: ha ha ha pigskin stool?
Marciel: yes
Buttface: by the way have you ever heard of fanfic???
Marciel: fanfic?
Buttface: yes its a word fan fiction when you are a fan of someone you go on htese fan fic boards and write these stories about them
Buttface: perhaps you should write yours on a site and see what people think
Buttface: i think you would get many many responses
Marciel: oh really do you win money?
Buttface: ha i dont know
Buttface: my babys daddy used to write homosexual ones about these brothers on that wrestling show he was really into it for like two days then forgot about it ofcourse
Marciel: well if the is no monatary reward i want nothing to do with it, my world is not for free, you must tell no one of this
Buttface: then start a pay website about your jakey
Marciel: no no i dont want him to find out, that would be so upsetting
Buttface: he wont know
Marciel: i think ive said too much
Buttface: not at all
Buttface: dont freak out now
Buttface: you are funny
Marciel: this is all ive got, a little jig and thats it god
Marciel: now im sad
Buttface: why are you sad?
Buttface: you should be laughing your ass off
Buttface: tell me more about the pigskin stool ha ha
Marciel: oh god bad news
Buttface: what is it?
Marciel: he was at jessica simpsons bday party last year wtf??
Buttface: maybe him and nick lachey used to fuck back in hte day
Buttface: i could see it
Marciel: hmmm
Marciel: no no not his type
Buttface: or maybe her pervy reverned dad had his way with jake as well
Marciel: no no
Marciel: oh i cant get into this now
Marciel: kirsten dunst fucked up big time
Buttface: who knows
Buttface: maybe her mom who is married older slut tricked him into an affair
Marciel: no no he is into more refined older woman than that hag
Buttface: she needs a bra
Marciel: oh man when i am like 47 i am going to meet jakes doppleganger and it is going to be OVER
Buttface: i wold love to speak to her about this for sure
Marciel: oh he is a beautiful muse isnt he? cant you see like jeremy iron painting him in a victorian era period film?
Buttface: like whom?
Buttface: angelica houston?
Marciel: no of jeremy irons painting jake?
Buttface: star jones reynolds?
Buttface: ha ha
Marciel: oh god
Buttface: shut up you know i love my jeremy irons
Marciel: im sorry
Buttface: i loved him lolita and back in the day when i was a teen i was obsessed with him in m butterfly and damage hot hot hot
Marciel: i have lolita on dvd and ive watched it a million times
Buttface: i like him alot
Buttface: he is good
Buttface: i like him die hard three which was awful but he was crazy german with bleached hair whoo whoo
Marciel: oh oh i just found out jake is of russian-jewish descent
Marciel: i knew it! Marciel: i had a feeling deep down he was a little jew just like me
Buttface: russian people are hot
Buttface: i am intrigued by them
Marciel: yes yes
Buttface: especially russian guys in their military cause its all rugged and hardcore
Marciel: mmmmmmm
Marciel: ok i gotta go to bed and wash away the sins of tonights indulgence
Buttface: oh ok
Buttface: well i hope i talk to you tommorrow then
Buttface: come up with more stories for me
Buttface: i like them alot
Marciel: goodnight
Buttface: seriously
Buttface: goodnight
Marciel: i will try but tonight really wiped me out creatively haha
Marciel: night
Buttface: ha ha bye
Marciel: i thought , just like a serial killer or rapist, he couldnt escape me then
Marciel: oh god im heaving with sick twisted evil cackling laughter
Marciel: i cant breath
Marciel: oh know now ive alienated you
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: not at all
Marciel: i mean, its not like a fantasy to have sex with my son but i doubt i will ever have a son that attractive, its not in my genes you know, i mean we dont know, maybe his mom did Buttface: ha ha ha ha ha
Buttface: his mom didnt do that come one ha ha
Marciel: im not saying she did but we can not verify that she didnt
Buttface: she didnt come on now
Buttface: dont you think if she did he would be crazy and be in an asylum???
Marciel: not necessarily
Marciel: people cope in different ways
Buttface: come on
Buttface: you are just trying to be outrageous did you really think of this today??? thats too funny
Marciel: yes i swear on everything
Buttface: what about his fugly sister have you made up any scenarios about her yet? Buttface: or the dad?
Buttface: or those dogs of his?
Marciel: well no
Marciel: i have a method to my mayhem
Marciel: with mom there is a trust and a bond you know
Buttface: oh god
Buttface: sick
Marciel: and hes always with older women in the movies... katherine keener, jennifer aniston
Buttface: true ok
Buttface: so what?
Buttface: they are not a relative of his
Buttface: and they are acting
Marciel: and he had chemistry with susan sarandon in a way
Buttface: but keep going
Marciel: well he is picking his movie roles because he cant escape his past subconsciously
Buttface: ha ha oh my god
Buttface: this so methodicly plotted out
Buttface: wow
Marciel: and then brokeback mountain , i mean yes i admit its off the beaten road but i mean, you can easily relate that like 7 degrees of kevin bacon,, lets see
Marciel: gay sex=cowboys = gay culture= liza minelli= judy garland= joan crawford=mommy dearest
Marciel: HELLO!!!???
Buttface: oh my god
Buttface: you are seriously fucked up ha ha ha oh my god i love it
Buttface: do more
Buttface: what about bubble boy???
Buttface: explain that movie then
Marciel: umm hello?? that is sooo obvious
Marciel: did you see his mother in the movie?
Marciel: played by swoosie kurtz
Marciel: very controlling, yet nurturing, didnt want him to leave the house blah blah
Buttface: ha ha ha
Marciel: total munchoisin sydrome by proxy
Buttface: thats crazy
Marciel: he wants a mommy he needs mommy come to mommy
Marciel: haaaaaaaaaa
Buttface: oh my my my
Buttface: thats funny
Buttface: do you think his sister is one fucked up ho or is it just me?
Buttface: i bet she is very jelous of her brother
Buttface: and she seems awfully evil and oily
Marciel: i think she escaped and she doing subversive female roles because of what the mom did to jake
Marciel: she didnt get abused she just witnessed it
Buttface: no way
Marciel: yeha
Buttface: thats fucked up
Marciel: well i mean i dont know what to say
Buttface: oh my god thats funny
Marciel: i have constructed a world that i am not necessarily proud of
Marciel: but i cant deny its existance
Buttface: i was laughing my ass off i wish you would make up more fucked up scenarios Marciel: give me time my dear friend give me time
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: what about the dad where is he?
Marciel: one thing i am thankful for is that jake did not end up with katie holmes
Marciel: i was nervous about that
Buttface: oh no shit
Marciel: i will get back to you on the father
Marciel: buty my sources say that
Marciel: he pawned jake off on his famous male friends while he focused more on maggie cuz he didnt know how to relate to jake. so jake learned how to be the perfect male lead that way i mean the sensitive look, those eyebrows
Marciel: this stuff does not come naturally
Marciel: it is very contrived and calculated
Marciel: and i must say, it has pierced my soul
Buttface: oh ha ha ha ha
Buttface: what famous male friends?
Marciel: well he grew up amoung the hollywood elite, jamie lee curits is like his godmother or some shit and we all know about the sex change she had
Marciel: and i believe it was clint eastwood that taught him to drive
Buttface: ha ha ha
Buttface: do you think stars fucked him too?
Marciel: well of course
Marciel: god
Buttface: like who name names bitch
Marciel: he was draped in furs by jennifer tilly
Buttface: in your world or for real?
Marciel: john malcovithch
Marciel: well who to say my world isnt real
Buttface: i see
Marciel: jennifer liked him to lie on bearskin rugs and john liked to video tape it
Marciel: he has a weird seuxal history with animal skins
Marciel: like he only wears lamb skin condoms witch concerns me because they do not protect against the HIV virus
Buttface: john who?
Marciel: malcovich
Buttface: oh but ofcourse right
Marciel: i think the animal skin thing comes from the time his mother made him sit his bareass on a pigskin stool when he was bad
Marciel: naughty i mean
Buttface: ha ha ha pigskin stool?
Marciel: yes
Buttface: by the way have you ever heard of fanfic???
Marciel: fanfic?
Buttface: yes its a word fan fiction when you are a fan of someone you go on htese fan fic boards and write these stories about them
Buttface: perhaps you should write yours on a site and see what people think
Buttface: i think you would get many many responses
Marciel: oh really do you win money?
Buttface: ha i dont know
Buttface: my babys daddy used to write homosexual ones about these brothers on that wrestling show he was really into it for like two days then forgot about it ofcourse
Marciel: well if the is no monatary reward i want nothing to do with it, my world is not for free, you must tell no one of this
Buttface: then start a pay website about your jakey
Marciel: no no i dont want him to find out, that would be so upsetting
Buttface: he wont know
Marciel: i think ive said too much
Buttface: not at all
Buttface: dont freak out now
Buttface: you are funny
Marciel: this is all ive got, a little jig and thats it god
Marciel: now im sad
Buttface: why are you sad?
Buttface: you should be laughing your ass off
Buttface: tell me more about the pigskin stool ha ha
Marciel: oh god bad news
Buttface: what is it?
Marciel: he was at jessica simpsons bday party last year wtf??
Buttface: maybe him and nick lachey used to fuck back in hte day
Buttface: i could see it
Marciel: hmmm
Marciel: no no not his type
Buttface: or maybe her pervy reverned dad had his way with jake as well
Marciel: no no
Marciel: oh i cant get into this now
Marciel: kirsten dunst fucked up big time
Buttface: who knows
Buttface: maybe her mom who is married older slut tricked him into an affair
Marciel: no no he is into more refined older woman than that hag
Buttface: she needs a bra
Marciel: oh man when i am like 47 i am going to meet jakes doppleganger and it is going to be OVER
Buttface: i wold love to speak to her about this for sure
Marciel: oh he is a beautiful muse isnt he? cant you see like jeremy iron painting him in a victorian era period film?
Buttface: like whom?
Buttface: angelica houston?
Marciel: no of jeremy irons painting jake?
Buttface: star jones reynolds?
Buttface: ha ha
Marciel: oh god
Buttface: shut up you know i love my jeremy irons
Marciel: im sorry
Buttface: i loved him lolita and back in the day when i was a teen i was obsessed with him in m butterfly and damage hot hot hot
Marciel: i have lolita on dvd and ive watched it a million times
Buttface: i like him alot
Buttface: he is good
Buttface: i like him die hard three which was awful but he was crazy german with bleached hair whoo whoo
Marciel: oh oh i just found out jake is of russian-jewish descent
Marciel: i knew it! Marciel: i had a feeling deep down he was a little jew just like me
Buttface: russian people are hot
Buttface: i am intrigued by them
Marciel: yes yes
Buttface: especially russian guys in their military cause its all rugged and hardcore
Marciel: mmmmmmm
Marciel: ok i gotta go to bed and wash away the sins of tonights indulgence
Buttface: oh ok
Buttface: well i hope i talk to you tommorrow then
Buttface: come up with more stories for me
Buttface: i like them alot
Marciel: goodnight
Buttface: seriously
Buttface: goodnight
Marciel: i will try but tonight really wiped me out creatively haha
Marciel: night
Buttface: ha ha bye
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