Top 10 Reasons I Love Pooping*

*or When You Have Nothing To Blog About, Poop Will Never Let You Down

10. It makes me think I may be able to give birth one day out of my ass if my vagina decides to jump ship.
9. I feel a real sense of accomplishment afterwards.
8. When I feel intimidated or inferior around another human, I just imagine them pooping.
7. You get out of it what you put into it.
6. You can use diarrhea as an acceptable excuse to get out of anything. Just say the word and no one will question you any further about why you had to call off work or couldn't make it to Christmas dinner. I have used this excuse so many times, whether it was true or not. Or if you don't want to say the word, just rub your belly counter clockwise, stick out your tongue and make a farting sound and say "I don't feel so well" (grunt in a low, raspy voice that sound like you just pushed a load out your ass)
5. There is nothing more satisfying than a "clean wipe". You know what I'm talking about. Praise Jesus.
4. I feel like my body is doing its job by sucking the nutrients out of the food I have ingested and expelling the poisonous compost out of my rear end.
3. My belly bloat goes down, my pants fit more comfortably and I feel like a slender, free, galloping gazelle.
2. Those sharp gas pains are gone and I don't have to worry about sneezing and farting in front of my coworkers.
1. I sometimes feel a burst of energy afterwards, like I can do anything. But I don't. Pooping, itself, is reward enough. The feeling of invincibility that follows is just a bonus.