Sept. 25, 2005 3:30am

Pen to paper. This is a start. Just write.It's too painful. My head is spinning. Throbbing. I'm a little nauseous.It started out with one cigarette to work and one cigarette on the way home from work. Then two because I could fit two perfectly in my travel time. Then an email from a long lost friend and a phone call to reunite us. The whole pack vanished in a two hour long conversation. They were joyful cigarettes. Each one became smoother and more natural. It felt good. This is what I am suppose to be doing. No worries. Life is good. One cigarette left. I will save that for my ride to find him. He is found. There he is, standing in the doorway looking beautiful. Handsome. Next to him is a petite, pretty little thing. He looks at me like I am a stranger, a little confused. Then shocked. My hearts was in my throat.In the car I take my last cigarette and smoke it. I need more. They gave me the soft pack but I didn't have the energy to ask for a different pack.Naked in bed. I couldnt smell him if I tried, so many cigarettes clogging the air between us. I needed to do something, anything. Not make love, for the first time ever that was not a solution or even an option.I will do dishes. Piles and stacks of smelly sour dishes. I scrub the stove. I pile the dishes into like piles and I soak the silverware. Pans, pots, plates, bowls, the rat dish, measuring cups and lastly the silverware. I washed them all, every dish in the house. My hands are dry, I bring my fingers to my nose. I can't smell the cigarettes anymore, but I can taste them in my mouth.
This is marriage and it is hard. I am always insecure and untrusting. He is sleeping now. So small, alone in that big bed. He always stay on his side of the bed even when I am not there. When I sleep alone I engulf the entire king-sized bed. I roll, I sleep on his pillow. Sometimes I sleep sideways, even if he is there. I just don't give a fuck. I awaken upsidedown many mornings.
Will he finally take that forbidden leap of infidelity? Will I secretly be happy and smirk? I told you so I told you so I told you so. Will a weight be lifted off of my chest as I embrace my first real heartbreak? Years will pass. I will soon bore him.