September 23, 2005 1:30am

I can't believe I just drove to a gas station to get a pack of cigarettes. It's not like this is something I've never done before. But not now. Not when I'm 24 and married. But it is raining that rain that makes me go back. Back almost 10 years. 10 years?! The rain made me look up names on the internet of people that I miss. The rain made me pull out old notebooks and journals. The rain told me, "It's okay, go and get those Parliament Lights. Your husband is sleeping. He'll never understand." This car is going to stink tomorrow when I fall into it at 4:40pm on my way to the coffee shop, filled with regret. I just want to relive those times when my innocence was was smashed out of me in such an exciting way. I want to know those formative years through these adult eyes. When it was okay to write notes, create drama and hate everything. I shouldn't be missing those times so much. I shouldnt be thinking about Leann and Robin and Erika. Those friends that helped form me into me. I also shouldn't be giving them so much credit. I would be here anyways.