On Motherhood and Chasing the Fountain of Youth

I was just lying in bed, unable to sleep cuz my mind was writing this soon to be awful blog, among other things that my mind was involuntarily doing (like having that bizarre doctor fantasy that starts with a routine pap smear visit).

So, judging from the title of this blog, you may assume that I am a mother if you do not know me. I am not. If you do know me, you may be think, "Well, she's a mutherfucker." That is true.

I am not pregnant, nor do I plan on getting pregnant in the near future. I am not even sure if I am spelling pregnant correct. But tonight I was looking at some profiles of former classmates and I noticed that some of them have a plural amount of children. This is wild to me! I am not judging it as a positive or negative thing . My mother had me at 26. It is either because Jesus has listened to my late night -or early morning, or mid-afternoon- prayers or that I am a barren woman, not fit for motherhood. I do sometimes get the urge to make another human from my own flesh and blood. But the feeling usually fades after I have turned off Oprah and washed down some Tums with a swig of Peptobismol.


Some Ani DiFranco song says "splitting yourself in two is the most radical thing you can do". I am not necessarily sure if I agree with that completely, but I certainly understand the setiment. To me, "radical" would be tying your tubes at 12 years old and going against the human nature to reproduce. But I can dig it, Ani. You are the one with the hairy armpits that makes her living from being a folksinger. I'm not gonna argue with you about what is radical or not since I am a slave to our culture in more ways than one.

Tonight I finally added the highschool I graduated from to my myspace page. For some paranoid personal reasons I refused to post that info before. In my weird brain, people from high school would find me and point and laugh at me and judge me for all my inadequacies as a human being and for everything that I have not accomplished since high school. Then tonight I had an "Aha!" moment as I was mid-point and laugh at some poor soul on myspace. "No one from highschool knows or cares who I am/was." Point and laugh people!

I am, at least, confident in the fact that I look a hell of a lot better than I did in highschool (thank you to the gay man named Jason that suggested "Girrrrl, you need to do something with those eyebrows!" back in 2000, since then eyebrow waxing and maintenence has forever changed my life) and that, again, I repeat, no one knows who the hell I was/am, etc! But, alas, I admit I have not grown emotionally since age 15. So it goes...

Sometimes it is hard for one to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around themselves. Speaking of revolving, let us revolve back to this issue of motherhood. Maybe someday I will understand the magic of it all. I really think it is an awesome thing and I hope that it may be in the cards for me someday.

...I do have an unbreakable bond with my pet rats. I imagine motherhood is similar to that feeling of wanting to do everything in my power to make their lives as happy and pain-free as possible...